The Kyuubi's Great Gender Exchange
by CloodSama
Summary: Touch the Fox and be remade. Or, so said an old folk law. But, really, no one had anticipated precisely what kind of 'remaking' was to occur. Cracktastic, really.
1. Chapter 1

**Clood's mind brings you yet another atrocity!**

**What now?**

**Yes, another atrocity! This is basically set after the deaths of Hidan and Kakuzus, pretty much just as Sasuke is getting Hebi together, having 'killed' Oro.**** He's not dead, though! I swear!  
**

* * *

"_Touch the fox, and be remade."_

Or, so they said.

It has been remarked in the past, that those who come into contact with the nine tailed fox change. The nine tailed fox demon has been said to possess the power to alter peoples' forms and their ways of thinking. That had been disproved, apparently. After all, what came from the Kyuubi but suffering and death in its wake? No modifications of appearances, no considerable alterations of the mind.

So, what had been said before was passed off as a myth. Ignored, up until things _did _start to change.

Ignored until the Kyuubi itself changed.

It could not have been far from tea time as Naruto trudged wearily into Ichiraku ramen, hair dripping, rain water rolling down his skin, a disgruntled expression settled on his face.

"Isn't this the fourth time you've been here today, Naruto-kun?"

Ayame was met with no response, as Naruto flopped down upon a stool, exhaling heavily as he went.

"Naruto-kun?"

Still, the blonde refused to speak. He waved his left arm a little, vaguely creating a small cup shape in his hand. Ayame supposed this was his ramen signal, albeit a new one. Not wishing to interrogate the ostensibly grouchy boy, she turned her back to him, and began to prepare the ramen. That was when Naruto finally spoke again.

"Ayame-san. Is it normal to experience… another puberty?" The blonde muttered, eyes fixed on the chopstick holder in front of him, refusing to look up at the ramen girl's back.

Ayame snickered slightly, before silencing herself immediately. She whipped around almost immediately, a ladle in one hand, half full with the ramen soup base. The other half had been sprayed across the stand as she spun.

"Whatever do you mean?"

"…Well… I remember what it was like when I first hit puberty…" Naruto's voice was becoming muffled, his cheeks taking on a slightly pink tinge. "With Ero Sennin, y'know? And… It's like it's happening… 'gain. But… I thought it stopped coz… I was getting over the mood swings…" He suddenly yanked his head up to meet Ayame's gaze, and leapt to his feet, flailing one arm, slamming the other upon the counter. "I don't fucking like it! Make it go away! _Now!_" The stool he had been sitting on clattered to the floor behind him.

The ramen girl had never taken Naruto to be a scary boy, up until this point. Now she had to feel ever so slightly inclined to run away. "Well, Perhaps… Maybe you should… go talk to another guy about it?" _Strange behaviour, even by Naruto's standards…_ She could not help but think to herself.

Once again, Naruto changed dramatically. He grinned sheepishly, and pulled his frog purse out from his pockets. "Oh, right, thanks, Ayame-san! Here, take my purse, I'm sure it'll come in handy. Sorry for knocking over the stool!" He bent down quickly, propped the stool up hurriedly, and sprinted out of the shop into the downpour, hurling his money-containing frog at the poor girl, who systematically dropped her ladle in order to catch Naruto's gift.

"Wait, Naruto-kun, your ramen…!"

Strange behaviour indeed.

* * *

"Tsunade-sama, how old would you say the Kyuubi is?" Shizune inquired, nonchalantly as she filed various important papers, not really paying attention to her task.

The Godaime Hokage thought on it a little, before shrugging. "I dunno. Old. Why'd you ask?"

"I had a funny dream last night. It was…" Shizune giggled. "It was a dream about the Kyuubi going through puberty. I found it hilarious."

Tsunade snorted, not sure whether she found the stupidity of Shizune's reverie to be amusing, or the actual subject of it. "Doubtless, it's already experienced that time, if concentrated masses of chakra can even go through such a period…"

"I wonde--"

That was when Naruto skipped into the office, carrying a tray laden with cookies. Something was wrong. Naruto _never _ate cookies. Especially not the raspberry variety he seemed to be carrying.

"Tsunade-sama!" He chortled, raising his cookie platter on high. "I brought you some goodies!" Naruto was met with two stares, however, he ignored them, and then slammed the tray on to Tsunade's desk, a malicious smile crossing his slightly pursed lips. "I hope you eat them. And you _will _enjoy them." Naruto beamed once more, and skipped out of the Hokage's office without another word, Shizune and Tsunade too stunned to speak.

Eventually, the Hokage managed a few words. "… What was up with _that_?"

"Did he just call you… 'Tsunade-sama'?"

* * *

News of Naruto's increasingly erratic behaviour began to spread. Very quickly.

Soon, most of Konoha was prepared for a blonde haired youth frantically hopping past them on their way back from dinner. They were prepared for him as he hit his 'talk to strangers' phase. However, they weren't quite prepared for random on the spot seductions. Nor was this a particularly easy idea to adjust to.

Some brushed it off as foolish adolescence. Others marked his deeds as down to a malevolent spirit possessing him. The odd eccentric few blamed it on an adolescent, malevolent spirit inhabiting him. 'The odd eccentric' being Kakashi. Shizune had thought the same, but she really didn't want to say it, just in case Tsunade thought she'd finally lost her mind.

It was in this state of affairs that the great sharingan wielder Kakashi came marching through the Hokage building, dragging an angsting Naruto along behind him by the ear.

He burst into the Hokage's office, startling an almost, but not quite drunk Tsunade, as she clutched a bottle of sake to her chest.

"The Kyuubi is going through adolescence. It's… _changing _Naruto."

"Shizune's been relating her dreams to you, I see."

"No. I'm absolutely positive of it. The Kyuubi is either going through adolescence, or going through some form of transformation, and it's making Naruto act strangely." There was a pause. "Why else would he burst into tears and hug me?"

In that moment, Tsunade had to ward off several amusing mental images, utilizing all the ninja self control he had ever been taught. Absolutely all of it. "Do you have any solid evidence?"

"Surely you must have heard that old folk law?"

"What, '_Touch the Fox and be remade.'_?"

"Yes. That one."

Behind them, Naruto had sat down, and was now fiddling with the tassels on the newly placed down rug.

Tsunade peered over her desk at the supposedly more mature boy, as he giggled at some inanimate pieces of wool. Kakashi did the same, and they stared at the boy for the longest time, until Naruto noticed this, looked up, snarled at the adults, and lay down upon the carpet, looking very sorry for himself.

"I don't like you. Either of you."

"We know, Naruto." The Hokage replied, before she reclined back into her chair, and took another swig of sake. There was another pause as the three of them refused to speak. Kakashi broke the silence.

"Well? Your verdict…?"

"If something's going on with the Kyuubi, I'm sure Neji and Sakura can work it out between them. Neji, he can monitor the fox's chakra for abnormalities…"

Kakashi nodded, utterly satisfied. "Sakura can observe Naruto's physical state, and ensure that nothing… obscure is occurring."

As Tsunade wrote out summons for her student and the Hyuuga prodigy, Kakashi began to observe Naruto, who had started rolling across the floor, stretched out, batting his thick eyelashes.

…_Thick eyelashes? _"Tsunade-sama… Has Naruto… always had such effeminate eyes?"

The Hokage looked up from her papers. "I've never noted anything remotely girly about the---" Her eyes met Naruto's, and she found herself staring into deeply womanly, quite large eyes, long eyelashes flashing down over them every few seconds. "Yeah, okay, that's not normal."

"I didn't think so."

Naruto stood up, girl-eyes swirling curiously. "Tsunade-san, are your breasts… smaller than they were yesterday?"

Kakashi's eyes wandered to Tsunade's chest, and he found himself suppressing a gasp. "I think they may be…" He uttered.

There was yet another silence. Such quiet intervals had become _far _too common recently. "Since when have you had such large hips, Kakashi?" The slug sannin replied, as she folded her arms over her blatantly smaller breasts.

"I'm not so sure… I noticed that this morning…"

"It's like we're all changing genders!" Naruto cried, spinning around, singing a little.

Immediately, Tsunade upgraded her summon necessity to 'urgent'. Sakura and Neji had never run so fast to Hokage Tower in their lives, having both received various death threats in a message from their village leader.

Kakashi, Tsunade, Sakura and Neji all stood around Naruto, who was lying on a medical bed, looking very unhappy. Every so often, the blonde's face would change completely, going from sheer bliss to utter depression in seconds.

"His chakra is abnormal. The same as it was when I faced him in the chuunin exam." Neji stated, Byakugan activated. "It's pulsing abnormally. The foreign chakra appeared orange back in the exam, but now, it's more of a red… which lapses back to orange occasionally."

Tsunade shifted uncomfortably under Kakashi's unwavering 'I-told-you-so' gaze. "What does that have to do with Naruto's mood changes, then?"

Neji sighed. "It's hard to say. It seems that whenever the red lapses to orange, Naruto's mood changes. As you may have noticed, his face has been conveying… several different emotions since you first showed him to me."

Sakura attempted to swallow a lump in her throat, but failed. "May I, shishou?"

"Go ahead, Sakura."

Sakura approached her team mate cautiously, as he hummed a little tune to himself. Kakashi, catching on from her body language, held down Naruto's left arm, and Neji dealt with the right. Naruto, now sprawled out across the medical room table in a satisfactory manner, was now fit to approach, or so Sakura assumed, her hand glowing a warm green.

She placed it upon Naruto's torso, covered by a plain black t-shirt. Almost instantly, she gasped, and pulled back her hand.

"Sakura, what is it?" Tsunade demanded.

"I…" The pink haired girl took a few horrified steps back, before she felt her behind up against a wall. She slid down it, and shook slightly on the ground.

Kakashi, Neji and Tsunade exchanged worried glances before the Hokage herself began to examine Naruto. What she found was terrible. Really, it was absolutely horrifying.

"He…" Tsunade pulled her hand back from Naruto. The blonde had fallen asleep at this point. "His insides… They're…"

Sakura shuddered.

"His gentiles are…" Tsunade glanced left and right nervously. "Well, to put it bluntly, Naruto is turning into a girl."

Kakashi instantly released Naruto's arm, no longer seeing a need to restrain the sleeping boy. "Me? What about me? You said my hips looked bigger!" Urgency flashed in his one visible eye.

Tsunade nodded, and quickly did a scan of Kakashi's body. Her face convulsed. "You, too… You're… becoming a girl, too…" Realization hit her. "Oh, fuck! Me! My shrinking breasts!"

Neji blushed, not having noticed.

Tsunade sat herself down upon the edge of the medical bed, and searched herself. Her shrill scream echoed throughout the entire Hokage building for some while afterwards.

"…And me?" Neji muttered in a barely audible voice.

His results weren't particularly great, either. Neither were Sakura's.

All in all, the four of them had never been so traumatized. Sakura, still on the ground, began to stammer. "W…w…what's going on?!"

"I … don't know." Tsunade replied. "But… whatever is going on… Naruto is the source of it. Or, more, the Kyuubi is."

The Hyuuga's eyes widened. "The… Nine tails?"

"Naruto is the Kyuubi's jinchuuriki. It hasn't been made public, because, well… It's fairly obvious, no?" Kakashi replied, having regained a small shred of composure. Neji nodded in response, before flopping down beside Sakura.

"But why… why would the Kyuubi influence us this way?"

"… '_Touch the Fox and be remade'_. All of us have come into contact with the Kyuubi's prison, or it's chakra at some point, no?" The Hokage started. "Me, it must have been when I was healing him after he rasengan-ed Kabuto. Somehow, my chakra must have come into contact with the seal. Neji…"

"The chuunin exams." Neji replied. "It was definitely then."

Sakura had also restored herself to a coherent state. "For me, obviously just after he fought Orochimaru, when I ran up to him to quell the Kyuubi, its chakra touched my arm…"

"Definitely when I had to re-seal its chakra after he fought the Deidara fellow. The chakra must have brushed me as I did so." The four of them looked to the floor, silently contemplating their doom.

"Hold on…" Sakura said. "We're _definitely _not the only ones who have come into contact with the Kyuubi's chakra." The realization swept the room in a deadly wave. "Think on it…"

"Sasuke." Kakashi stated. "I'm certain Sasuke will have come into contact with it when he fought Naruto at the Valley of the End… Deidara… Gaara… Jiraiya… Orochimaru… So many others…"

"They're all going to… change genders!" Neji spluttered. "This is… awful!"

"This is… an unprecedented catastrophe!" Tsunade cried. "I'm going to lose my _breasts_!"

"I'm going to _gain_ breasts! Kakashi almost yelled, motioning frantically.

And as the four of them panicked about their own predicaments, across the world, the Kyuubi's victims began to notice 'differences' with themselves one by one.

The ninja world was in grave, grave, danger of becoming one massive sex change, and there was barely anything anyone could do to stop it.

Or was there?

* * *

**Oh dear. This is most certainly ****the**** most… cracky crack fic I've ever written.**

**And it **_**shall **_**be continued in a suitably melodramatic fashion.**

**How shall our heroes cope with their descents to other genderdom? Are the effects reversible? Will Naruto **_**ever **_**return to normal? Precisely how long does the Kyuubi's puberty last? How will Sasuke react to his newly obtained womanhood?**

**Find out next chapter 8D**

**Review, please. It makes me feel arrogant and special. Oh, happy, too, but definitely arrogant.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Behold. Deep apologies for the extreme long timeness of this chapter. I was faced with many exams and home issues, which have now all resolved themselves, so once again, I can recommence with this wonderful-- … Uhm, relatively intriguing crack fic.**

**I love you all long time for those reviews. Rly. Love. On silver platters. So, yk'now, Kitsune Kit (Whom I remember and love from WIWBDC D), courtxjester, the ice wolf alchemist, AnimeDutchess, DarkAngel, Scrabble and Dice, TwinEnigma, Caliko, Shouri no Hana, adngo714, MizukiAKAZuki and FreeTheKyuubi, -Inhale- THANKYUU ALL SO MUUUUCH!**

Neji glanced left and right, adorned in a somewhat baggy poncho with Kakashi, Naruto, Sakura, Sai, Jiraiya and Yamato in tow.

Each of them wore some form of non-tight clothing in a desperate attempt to disguise their new, not really improved, other-genderly figures. Well, except Sai. He was rather pleased with his.

Yamato spoke in a hoarse whisper. "Now, remember, if anyone sees us… We're going to be laughed at to no end."

This earned several intent nods from the rest. Each of them took in a shaky breath before they dragged themselves out from around the inconspicuous corner in the Hokage building and ran as fast as they could to Tsunade's office. On their way, they encountered three chuunin and a half dead jounin being escorted by several hardy looking medics. Laughs had been earned from all, including the near-death jounin. Sadly, this seemed to have worsened his condition, and as a result, he fell to the ground choking. _Good riddance_ was all Neji's mind could muster at this turn of events.

A short while later, the heavily breathing group burst in to find Tsunade in the full Hokage robes, evidently having stuffed pillows down her now entirely flat chest. "Morning, ladies, gentlemen. I hope you're enjoying your new genders. I'm not."

Jiraiya grinned. "Loving it!" His hand then crept up to his own chest, and he gave _them_ a few impromptu squeezes, much to the disgust of the rest of the room.

Kakashi shifted uncomfortably, hoping to draw attention away from Jiraiya's fun. "Have we learnt anything new about our… conditions?"

"Bad news after bad news, I'm afraid." Tsunade replied, stuffing a truffle into her mouth, and chewing it harshly. "As I'm sure you've noticed, these states… prompt aggressive, and somewhat… out of character behaviour in all of us. Whilst I'm sure this is manageable among us, I'm more worried about the S-ranked criminals scattered throughout the world acting more and more bloodthirsty."

An uncomfortable murmur made its way through the ranks of the shinobi.

"Unfortunately, with the Kyuubi directly inside of him, Naruto will be feeling the worst of these violent urges. This explains why he was ripping heads of unsuspecting birds this morning. He'll also be feeling the worst of the mood swings, amounting to his rather… obscure behaviour." As if on cue, Naruto started dancing on the spot, evidently not paying any attention to the situation at hand.

Sakura hung her head. "Still no developments on reversing it?"

"None. We're stuck like this."

Sai smiled in the general Sai way. "Well, I don't mind. I'm comfortable with whatever form I'm placed in." Several malcontent glares were then directed at him, after which an awkward silence ensued.

"How long is this going to last for, do we know?" Jiraiya inquired.

"No idea. All tests we ran on Naruto haven't bought us any closer to finding anything more about this weird crap."

"In that case, our first priorities are…?"

The glint in Tsunade's eyes flashed dangerously. "Find out who's touched Naruto with his Kyuubi chakra activated. If we're on good terms with them, inform them of all the… not so obvious details that we've uncovered. Secondly, Sakura, Neji, you'll work with me on testing Naruto more, and researching into the history of the Kyuubi, just in case something like this has happened before."

"How can the Kyuubi have two puberties?" Neji asked, utterly bemused by this thaught.

"This may be its menopause." Kakashi replied, grinning slightly. "But in any case, we should start work immediately, Neji, Sakura, Naru--- …"

In that brief moment, they all realized Naruto was, in fact, not there. Panic took all of them as they frantically searched the room, not finding the blonde. Then, Yamato paused in his enthusiastic circle-running, his face taking on a scary expression.

"…Everyone… What if… Naruto can infect people?"

"Like…"

"If touching him now has the same effects as coming into direct contact with Kyuubi chakra…"

There was a horrified silience, before Neji sighed, and, in a monotone voice, "The End is fucking nigh."

The group leapt in to motion, splitting up in a desperate and rather crucial attempt to find the source of all gender bending evil, the normally good natured Naruto and his now violence-bent mind.

* * *

The sun blazed overhead, scorching the two figures as they made their way through the nigh barren landscape, their feet falling on a harsh, dry ground.

Cicadas buzzed all around them in a chorus that seemed to taunt the pair, both tired and low on supplies. The taller of the two's onyx eyes stayed fixed ahead at an unwavering point on the horizon, seeming almost never to blink. They'd been going like this for hours in utter silence, both trying not to speak for fear of another awkward conversation.

Uchiha Sasuke had never been such a great talker, but he really would have welcomed a small amount of banter at that current time. Sadly, Suigetsu seemed rather reluctant to speak. Sasuke was about to give in and being to talk first, when he noticed a voice.

The voice he'd never thought he'd have to hear again. Yet here he was, hearing it, listening to it echoing in his mind, witnessing its violent curses, and death threats.

This was odd. Usually, the owner of the voice would offer cold, snide remarks, almost certainly capable of making you really, _really_ want to hurt him. But now… Violent cursing? Frantic death threats? There was something afoot, something possibly just as evil as the breasts Sasuke had found himself to be the owner of a few mornings ago.

_Orochimaru, why … the fuck are you still alive?_

It seemed that Orochimaru was all too happy to rant on at unresponsive subject, but when the subject talked back, he fell silent. How annoying.

The silence in Sasuke's mind was just screaming to be broken. So the Uchiha absolved its wants.

_Orochimaru, you were cursing me before. Speak. Now._

"…Sasuke, you alright there?"

"I'm fine, Suigetsu."

"You've been acting funny ever since _those _started growing..."

Sasuke couldn't help but smirk inwardly. At least Suigetsu was talking to him, even if the amount of speech directed at him had greatly diminished ever since the breasts mythically began to sprout one morning.

_Look, __snake, speak or—_

Sasuke made some disgruntled sounding noises in his throat, rather alarming his travelling companion, before, finally, what he wanted to hear echoed inside of him, like his own voice, creepy as it was.

_What, Sasuke, you'll PMS at me?_Orochimaru sounded sulkier than normal, if he had any form of being, Sasuke would say he was pouting at that particular moment. He also sounded a little more… womanly than usual.

_Oh, so you are capable of speech, then._

… _No I'm not._

_Whining? From Orochimaru? Surely the world has gone mad._

_Look, kid, you're not the one trapped in the body of your murderer, who just so happens to be a homicidal bitch._

_You're sounding rather 'bitchy' yourself._

"Suigetsu…" Sasuke breathed, clenching his fists, continuing his mental war with his former teacher.

"Woah, Sasuke, don't you go breathing my name like that. It's bad enough that you're some kind of … I dunno, hermaphrodite or something, but now you, like, breathing my name it's … woah. Erotic."

_I'd never have thought you'd go for Suigetsu, Sasuke…_The pout had very evidently gone, and was probably being replaced with the trademark smirk that hardly ever seemed to leave Orochimaru's face.

_Shut it._

_I thought you wanted me to speak?_

Sasuke decided to take a slightly less … iffy approach to gaining Suigetsu's attention, hence he reproached his comrade in a more firm tone. "Look, what I wanted to say is that-"

_What I wanted to say is that, Suigetsu, I love you. Right, Uchiha?_

… _Shut up, Orochimaru!_

_You wanted me to speak, so I'm fucking speaking._

"What I wanted to say is that Orochimaru's consciousness is still alive in my head, and I bet it's his fault I'm turning into a woman!"

… _Why would I turn you into a woman?__ Do you realize this crap is affecting me, too?_

Suigetsu stared incredulously at Sasuke for a few minutes, before looking the dark haired boy deep in the eyes and raising his hand. He waved hesitantly, laughing nervously as he did so. "Hi, Orochimaru."

… _Fuck you._

"He says fuck you."

The cicadas seemed to fill in the noise in the stead of the two boys. Or, more, boy and girl. All of a sudden, Suigetsu's face erupted into a toothful grin. "Awesome, I'm travelling with a well endowed boy-girl with a shirt prone to opening a bit too far, this particular boy-girl staging a constant mind war with possibly another boy girl."

_He__ just called you a boy-girl._

_You were on the receiving end of the same insult, Sasuke. You have no right to admonish me over it._

_Since when have you been so talkative anyway?_

_Safe to say I am__ rather bored in here. One can only watch another person's memories so many times before they become excruciatingly dull. _

_I hope, for your own sake__, you're not serious about observing my memories._

_Oh, I am. Itachi was quite the--_

_Quiet, w__hore._

_Son of a bitch._

_Dickhead._

_Slut of an Uchiha._

"… Let's just… go get Karin and Juugo."

Suigetsu chuckled. "Can't wait until I can present the great womanly Uchiha Sasuke to them. They'll probably die from hysterics."

Sasuke chose not to respond. Things were strange enough as it was, they really did not need more word fodder for either Suigetsu or Orochimaru to latch on to and start taking the piss out of him over.

_You just wait till I __properly take over your body, Sasuke … And make it male again._

_Well, that's not looking too likely._

_We shall wait and see, in this case._

…_Whore._

_I refuse to partake in another chain of childism._

_Childism isn't a word. _

_Yes it damn well is._

_No, it really isn-_

_Oh, sorry, mind if I go watch your clan being slaughtered again? I find your reaction to be most amusing._

…_I despise you._

_I loathe your very being, too.  
_

* * *

Deidara shuffled through the undergrowth several meters behind Tobi.

"I don't see why you have to hide, sempai. I think you look lovely."

A rock connected with Tobi's head, silencing him for a few minutes.

"Why did you throw a rock at me, sempai?"

He found yet another item thrown at him. This pattern repeated for a while, until Deidara gave up on hinting at Tobi, and went for an all out assault, leaping on his partner, and thwacking him repeatedly with a branch until Tobi was reduced to a flailing, screaming state on the ground. Deidara smirked. "Be thankful we're not around Kisame and Itachi, un. Two women, two grouchy, bitchy women, one with self esteem problems who won't stop crying, the other so uncaring it's just not funny, un."

Tobi stopped flailing for a moment. "Do you think the Leader's mad at you… lot for um… going queer on us?"

Deidara sighed. "I don't think he's angry, I'd say he's amused, un." He ran his thin, long fingers through his surprisingly silky blonde hair before staring into Tobi's eyehole. "Though, Tobi… Why me and not you, un?"

Then, the idiot said something so intelligent, so shocking and so correct, that Deidara literally didn't believe him. "I'll bet that only the people who have come into contact with the Kyuubi are changing their genders."

"Ha, as if, un."

* * *

Naruto stepped through a parted sea of onlookers, eating a rather obviously stolen, whole roast chicken with his hands. He was followed by the excited chatter of the various randomers.

"That's the guy who's been acting really weirdly, right?"

"Sure is. He looks kinda more scary than he did before…"

"Have his eyes already been red?"

"Seriously, how can a kid just eat a whole chicken like that?"

"Does he have _boobs_?"

To the jinchuuriki, ignorance was bliss, as he walked calmly through the throng of people, towards Konoha gate. His face erupted into a malicious looking grin. Naruto tossed the chicken aside into the crowds, it hitting a child, judging from the high pitched scream.

"I'm coming. I'm coming for you all..." He muttered, before engulfing himself in red chakra, and speeding out of the gate, leaving Hinata to narrow her eyes suspiciously at his back.

Naruto was curvier than she had originally supposed.

**TADA.**

**Honestly, there won't be such a massive time break between chapters normally, it's just the whole exam and such situation.**

**Once again, cookies for reviewers along with a big Clood hug!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Wow, I really hadn't anticipated so many reviews already! (Yes, this is a lot for me. No, rly.)**

**Once again, I'd like to say thanks tooooo…**

**FreetheKyuubi – **I believe that's what Suigetsu was made for. Random add ons xD I mean, why else do we need him? Well, asides from his seemingly crucial role in defeating Kisame, one of the main villains of --- oh, wait, I just answered my own question 8D

**Gnosismaster – **NaruSaku? Well, I must admit, I was planning several pairings, and I wasn't too sure on Naruto's, so, I suppose I might just go ahead with NaruSaku if ya'd like.

**MizukiAKAZuki**** – **Don't worry, everyone will make their appearances soon enough. I hope. Please, god of no-plotholes, look kindly upon me and allow all to make appearances… xD

**Willandrakar – **EEEE Fanart? Good luck finding it xD I do that a lot, losing random files is annoying. I managed to lose this chapter three times over before finding the original right where I first looked… But then again, that's not properly _losing_it in the first place. Goes to show what a simple minded retard I am.

**Laughing Yaro – **Excellent skill? RLY? Sweeeet! –much joy- But, I mustn't let that get to my head. Oh, what the hell. –ego-o-meter rises-

**BakaHammerGirl – **xD I being an Oro fangirl just couldn't resist keeping him alive.

**Kyuubi – NaruSaku Fangirl – **Glad you liked it 83

**Twin Enigma – **Eetz like Naruto-chan has become a virus, except, like, a really, really oversized one. Damn, I bet his microbe friends are jealous of his size O:

**Adngo714 – **Hinata? Well, if I told you that, I'm afraid I'd have to kill you…

**Draag - **:3 Thankyuu very much!

**ChaosTemplar – **Well, I wasn't planning NaruSasu, so don't worry 'bout it. Too much… I'll do whatever the majority of the reviewers want. Which won't burn me on the inside…

**MissWhiteandNerdy – **Hilarious? 83 Thankyou! Hope you continue to enjoy this and such…  
**  
Kitsune Kit – **If I didn't include Oro in this fic, I'd be betraying my very being as an Oro fan, and that is the highest form of treason! –flail, flail-

**And all you other cool people who reviewed.**

**Well, that sums up that. Also, if there's any particular pairing you guys want, tell me and I'll do my utmost best to make it a reality.**

**Also, I'll be away for 3 weeks (so, it's not that I'll be dead or abandoning this fic, just… away), so it'll be … a little difficult to do any form of typing, let alone update, but I'll do my best to hijack the American computers… -is English, k?- 3 Have fun holidays to all that have them, baitheway!**

**Oh, also also, I'm referring to people with pronouns relative to their**_**new**_**genders, coz, I can't really call Tsunade a woman if he's now a man, can I:3  
**

* * *

Itachi sat alone in his rather cold room atop a hard bed, eyes flitting over the latest copy of Kunoichi Kraving Weekly, a cold smirk on his… her? face. Being a sexy, attractive woman wasn't so difficult after all, if all it took was some lacy underwear and a naturally knockout body. Like his--- … hers. Itachi allowed _her_self a brief chuckle, before her attention quickly snapped back to earth at the sound of frantic pacing right outside her room, echoing in the hallway. The footsteps drew ever closer before pausing. Almost instantly after the silence, a distraught Kisame burst into the room, certainly not giving Itachi enough time to hide her magazine.

"Itachi, Itachi, it's not fair! Men don't like women who are strangely coloured! I'm too tall! Itachi, it's _not faaaaaair_!" Kisame slammed one of her feet to the ground, breathing heavily, locking eyes with her partner in crime. "But of course, you don't get it, you're hot, you've always been hot! You don't know what I'm going through, you're… you're… reading … Kunoichi Kraving Weekly?"

Itachi coughed before swiftly dropping the magazine to the ground beside him. "Not reading, observing." Kisame gave her an unimpressed look, as if all respect the Uchiha had earned had just been shot down in that one discovery. "I thought it prudent to learn more about the way an attractive female acts before we plunge ourselves into the world of feminine happenstances."

A pause followed. "_Before_we plunge ourselves? Itachi, we're already there. We've got boobs, we've got hormones and we don't have our manhoods … Unless you've managed to hang on to yours as well as the breasts--"

"No."

"I thought not. Have you actually _learnt_anything from that infernal magazine?"

Itachi cleared her throat. "Indeed. A fair amount. I've learnt that provocative underwear is indeed striking, and---"

Kisame gave her partner yet another perturbed look. "You hadn't noticed that when we were men?"

Itachi chose to ignore that one. "… I've also learnt that layered hair is 'in'."

Kiasme snorted. "What incredible knowledge. I'll be sure to seek you out when all intellect has faded from this world."

"Your cutting sarcasm wounds me, truly." Itachi retorted, a thoroughly bored expression crossing her delicate features. "Although… Any thoughts on why we've become these… women?"

"Hell no, if anyone knows anything, it's Oro. He seems to be the almighty know-it-all regarding just about all freaky biological occurrences. Too bad he's our enemy, huh?" Before he gave Itachi a chance to reply, he spoke again. "Hell, I wish the guy had stayed. He was a total genius, and extremely amusing, not to mention fun when drunk… Though that didn't happen to often, mind."

The Uchiha sighed, not overly sure what to say, he obviously couldn't add anything to the sufficiently one sided conversation. It seemed Kisame was becoming rather overcome by her thoughts of regret and longing, so when Zetsu randomly popped out of the ground, Itachi was rather grateful. He did _not_want to have to witness and be on the receiving end of another 'shark-girl' strop. After all, Kisame was hardly pretty, even when happy, but when irate, well, safe to say he was ugly. Utterly ugly. Really very nasty looking, especially-

"Itachi. Kisame. The Leader wants you two. **Now**."

"What's the point in your coming? Couldn't he just send us a message or something?" Kisame muttered through bleary eyes.

"He wanted me to make sure you weren't tearing chunks out of each other's shapely legs." Zetsu smirked, much to the disgust of the other two men--- … women. "**Get a move on**. Please, Itachi, Kisame. **We hate waiting, after all.**" Both halves of Zetsu seemed to chuckle, before Kisame bent down, scooped up Itachi's magazine at threw it at Zetsu, the incompact paper having little effect on the S-class criminal.

"That's what you get for perving on us you… you… perv!"

Itachi blinked. He certainly hadn't been thinking about harming Zetsu in that instant, in fact, his thoughts were on something else entirely. Perhaps tracking down and visiting Orochimaru _was_a good idea. The thought played in his mind for some while until Kisame brought him back from dream land with a stifled sob.

Then Itachi's thoughts turned to why Kisame sobbed, and _that_ was more vexing than anything else he had encountered.

* * *

"Orochimaru's_dead_?" Kakashi squealed. "Are you sure? Like, sure sure?"

Jiraiya nodded weakly, sitting (somewhat uninvited) on Tsunade's desk. "Dead as can be."

Sakura shifted uncomfortably on his feet, and began speaking that deep voice that he was having some problems adjusting to. "Well…" He coughed uncomfortably. "Who?"

The Hokage shoved Jiraiya off his desk, shot his friend a glare and answered Sakura's question. "Sasuke."

The room seemed to gasp back at him.

"Sasuke? Really?" Sakura's face lit up, then suddenly fell again. "Wait, shit, Sasuke can't come back if I'm a _man_! He just _can't_! This is ridiculous! Unprecedented! Absolutely awful!" He began to clutch at his pink hair, and only stopped when Jiraiya placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Sakura, calm down. Sasuke's still not coming back, so everyone can stop worrying."

The room seemed to breathe a sigh of relief before Neji spoke up. "Hold on, Sasuke… is not coming back?"

Yamato only snorted in response. "He's after his brother, Neji-_chan_. I'd have thought you'd be able to work that much out. Top that off with Hinata's sudden disappearance, and I'd say we're in a pretty shit--"

"Woah, Yamato, control those hormones!" Jiraiya snapped from the floor in front of Tsunade's desk, brandishing a fist at the relatively irate Yamato, who looked as if she was about to attack Neji for simply no reason whatsoever.

Yamato ceased her assault before addressing Tsunade. "…'Sir', I understand Sasuke _is_a pressing matter, but… Naruto? Any news?"

Tsunade shook his head, trembling slightly. "But… she isn't hard to track… Anywhere she goes… People change their sex… you were right about that much, Yamato."

Sai, who had been fiddling with a few mission reports to the side whilst listening to the conversation then decided to make her rather startling input. "So, if Naruto-chan touches people, and they change original genders… why doesn't it work the other way around?"

A moment of thought swept across the room, as Tsunade, Jiraiya, Sakura, Kakashi, Yamato, Neji and Sai pondered this highly intriguing question in their separate consciousnesses. Kakashi was the first to speak again.

"Guys?" Everyone turned to face her nervously, Kakashi obviously had something to say. "… I really don't know."

So, when Neji slapped Kakashi, nobody really complained.

* * *

Itachi cursed inwardly. God damn Orochimaru, dying just when he _actually_had a use...

"Although…" The Leader continued, evidently fiddling with his piercings (That, Itachi had summarized, was his nervous stance), "We've received more information about the grave mystery of the gender bending which has quite obviously afflicted three of our members. It appears this phenomenon has been occurring everywhere in random locations…"

Kisame shifted awkwardly, attempting to look at the ground, but unable to because of her rather large breasts.

"…These locations are centered around Konoha, however."

Deidara snorted. "Not so random then, eh?"

The Leader shot her a sidelong glance, and then continued. "I've had people investigating these areas, and, really, they can't draw any connections. Whatever causes this is subtle."

"Leader, if I may…" Itachi stated simply, instantly drawing the attention of the other members. "Orochimaru may be dead, but that doesn't mean he has no connection to the incidents. If it's centered around Konoha… Well, we never has been on excellent terms with the residents there." He paused, waiting for someone to say something, but when nothing more was added, he resumed speaking. "I propose we investigate Orochimaru's bases _and_my little brother. This condition, I have discovered, affects our chakra control, and evidently sets back our plans."

Tobi started clapping. "Here, here, Itachi-san is a genius! But, but, I have a theory to propose to you all!"

Diedara's partner attempted to shoot him an appalled glare, but this seemed to be to simply no avail. Not even the most piercing glare was effective on Tobi.

"I think the Kyuubi is the cause."

Akatsuki simultaneously burst out laughing.

"Very funny, Tobi." Kisame hissed. "Trying to mock us or something? Remind us that we haven't obtained the Kyuubi yet?"

"N-n-n-no, Kisame-san, it's just… I really think—"

"Enough, Tobi." The Leader interjected, waving his hand absent mindedly in Tobi's general direction. "Itachi may be right. In fact, it's almost a given that even if Orochimaru isn't the cause of this freak happenstance, he'll either know what's going on, or have some idea as to the causes."

He was met by a murmur of agreement, and silence from Tobi.

"Since Itachi-san brought up the possibility, I'll be sending him and Kisame. As Uchiha Sasuke has, quite obviously, powerful friends, I think it prudent to send others. Any volunteers?"

After a brief debate and rather a lot of reluctance, the eventual agreed team for the Oro-Infovestigation (title suggested by Tobi, note it_was _rejected) consisted of Itachi, Kisame, Deidara and Tobi. So, essentially, all of the alive members asides from the Leader, Zetsu and Konan.

"Good luck, you four. Try not to die."

A rather grudging 'Yes, sir…' was mumbled back at him. Something told the Leader that his team of 4 was certainly not too enthusiastic about the mission. Although, who could blame them? They were chasing a dead man's apprentice.

* * *

A pair of milky white eyes surveyed the surroundings, narrow.

Irregular clumps of trees rose above Hinata Hyuuga, the others broken and splintered. Something had passed through here, and she was fairly certain what. That something simply had to be brought under control, and for once, Hinata was feeling confident that she could do it. Those two and a half years of training surely had amounted to some improvement, and that improvement was something she had to rely upon. For two and a half years, she had toiled, she had sweated and she had_laboured_, and now, finally, she was ready.

._…Wait, I'm… fighting Naruto-kun…_

In a moment of sheer horror, her eyes widened, and she had to restrain herself from running around in frantic circles. "Gosh, I'm fighting _Naruto-kun_!" She paused. "…Or is that… Naruto-chan?"

Hinata took a few shaky steps forward. There was no going back now. She was on the trail of her transsexual friend, and no force in hell was going to make her, Hinata of _the_Hyuuga clan turn back or even hestitate. Well, except for maybe the horribly mutilated animals she found on the way.

Those accounted for several days' worth of nightmares and a couple of days' setback in her epic quest.

* * *

"Uchiha. Uchiha Sasuke."

Juugo stared at the woman in front of him, more, the breasts on legs in front of him.

"…Juugo, I'd like for you to join me—"

"Sasuke, shut up, Juugo and I are appreciating your boobs."

There was a very uncomfortable silence during which the second to last Uchiha tightened her rope belt, Suigetsu and Juugo stared awestruck at Sasuke's chest, Karin blushed a deep shade of red and Orochimaru rubbed it in.

_They_are_ very shapely, you know…_

"Well, everyone, shall we be off?" Suigetsu chortled, a highly content expression on his face. Juugo nodded in response, and shuffled out of his cell, avoiding any form of eye contact with Sasuke. Karin did the same, in fact, she hadn't looked Sasuke in the eyes _once_. Especially not since she was informed that Orochimaru was, in fact, still alive and very, very grumpy. She was hence attempting to avoid angering him, or, so Sasuke hoped.

"Look, everyone, it's lovely that you appreciate my form, but… "

_But? What more can be said, Sasuke? I'm trapped in the body of a highly sexy woman. I think I'm allowed to appreciate it all I want_.

Sasuke snorted. "I wasn't talking to you, Orochimaru." Juugo shot Sasuke a very, very surprised look, having been under the impression that the Sannin was utterly deceased.

_So I'm allowed to appreciate your breasts?_

_No, no, I didn't mean it like—_

_Shame. But don't think that doesn't mean I won't admire, for I will. _

"…As I was saying, everyone, it's lovely that you appreciate my form, but _I'd_appreciate it more if you treated me as if I still held the form of man. It'll make things considerably less… awkward between us, and… Well, I'll feel better."

The other three in Sasuke's presence glanced around to each other, as if communicating their ideas by thought alone.

"You see, I think Karin and Juugo agree with me when I say… as long as you keep those breasts so covered up with an obsessive passion, they'll be very difficult to ignore…"

"So you're suggesting I let them… hang free?" Sasuke shot back, eyes halfway up his forehead.

Suigetsu nodded feverently. "It's just… whenever you tighten that shirt of yours, you … highlight their presence. So, yes, I am essentially saying… maybe if you… ignore them and wear that top normally… and open… and you … forget about them, it'll help _us_ to forget about the—"

In that moment, for the first time in his life, Suigetsu was slapped by Sasuke. Hard. Somewhere in the back of Sasuke's mind, Orochimaru giggled.

_Sorry, was that a giggle I heard?_

_Sasuke, in case you hadn't noticed, I've been… made female, too, despite not having a solid form. So, honestly I'm perfectly entitled to giggle._

_Come to think of it, I'm sure you're enjoying your womanhood very much. Dreams really do come true, huh? Even for you…_

Orochimaru's reply was so laden with sarcasm that it was almost groundbreakingly so. _I'm thrilled, really._

Back outside Sasuke's mind, Suigetsu was moping loudly, thoroughly startled that he'd been slapped by the generally rather apathetic Uchiha, however, he suddenly stopped groaning, and straightened his previously hunched back. "I have a proposition."

Karin rolled her eyes. "Look, I don't care. I just don't care anymore. Sasuke, we don't know why you've dragged us out here, we don't know why you have fucking boobs, and Juugo, I don't know what you're doing with that dead guy, but I want you to stop it, no, I don't care if he deserves a burial or not, actually, like I said, I don't care about anything anymore, I give up!" She threw her hands to the air, eyes wide with rage. "I truly give up! You're all stupid! Your mums are stupid, _you're_stupid, Orochimaru!" There was a silence.

_. . . I object to that._

"Orochimaru objects to that." Sasuke stated blankly.

Karin then made a noise that sounded very much like a slightly crazed guffaw, and with a slight shake of the shoulders, sped off, leaving three slightly bemused ninjas behind.

"Dudes, Karin's left. The fuck d'we do?"

"Do we need her?" Juugo inquired, obviously not particularly enthusiastic about the idea of Karin anything. Suigetsu nodded emphatically to this, deeply opposed to Karin and just about everything she stood for.

Sasuke sighed, and ran his hand through his hair. "We're hunting my brother down— Suigetsu, stop laughing!"

"I'm sorry, we're hunting down your brother with you looking like that? What? You crazy or something?"

"Yes, we're hunting down my brother. I will not allow something as trivial as the remodeling of my physical form to disrupt my quest for revenge!"

_You're silly._

"You're silly." Suigtesu remarked. Juugo nodded.

"Great, so I'm silly? _I'm_silly?" Juugo nodded again, slightly shyly this time. There was a great, oppressive silence. "We're going to find Karin. It's your punishment." He turned his back to his 'comrades', before twirling back again, adjusting his shirt slightly, which had, rather predictably, loosened. "By the way, we're called Team Hebi."

_So first you steal my power, now my admittedly slightly creepy snake fanaticism?_

_Go fuck yourself._

_Why would I when I've got you here?_

_You forget I'm in charge._

_Ah, wait, sorry, must be off, invading your memories calls!_

It was official. Sasuke had no friends.

**Where have I been this past … several moths?**

**I forgot about writing, I had a writers block, I was in Thailand, I was in America, I was in Italy, I've been everywhere but here.**

… **I do promise to be better from now on O:**

**But, anyone who knows me will know better than to trust me with promising. … I'll start on chapter 4 now. I swear.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Yep. It's that time again! ****Just later than we all thought it would be!**

… **Well, before that, we've got 3 votes for NaruSaku, and 1 for NaruHina. But, remember, this **_**is**_** a crack fic, and crack fics tend to mean crack pairings. So, whether it's KisaTobi, or NejiKarin, get them pairings a-rollin'! x3**

**And now, I deal with reviews with great jubilance! **

**Gomjibar22** – What am I on? London air. … Yes, it _does_ have the same effect on everyone. Honest.

**Tytan83 – **Hinata is still female as she hasn't had the misfortune of touching Naruto in Kyuubi form yet (If she has and I've just forgotten… Uh… I dunno, I'll think up some convenient plot twist. The shy are safe.)

**Toroman – **Mm. The level of potential perversion was half the reason I wanted to do this.

**Aaron Blayne Leger – **Suspense? No way, this has _suspense_!? O.O' Well, I guess that's a good thing 8D

**Sorry if I didn't specifically reply, I'm trying to get this out quickly as possible, because I've been very bad over the Christmas holidays and not done anything at all. Next time, I'll probably get round to saying something to everyone, but, as a general message:**

**I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH, AND KYUUBI SMILES ON YOU!**

**Kay, done, keep those reviews coming, honestly, each one brightens my day to no end!  
**

* * *

Naruto peeked out from under her noticeably too-large hooded cloak, taking in the surroundings with various, swift, suspicious glances at things. People, ramen and buildings. A town. _Which town?_ Her eyes found a rather large sign reading "Haisha Town". _Ah. This town._

With a large sigh, Naruto turned to the nearest ramen bar and strode there, ignoring glares from the townspeople. Clearly, they had a problem with a girl wearing a large cloak. Naruto noted that they would have to be dealt with after food.

Having caught the eye of the chef and ordering her normal ramen selection, Naruto sat down on a stool, and began to twirl around on it, once again, attracting glares. However, she stopped rather abruptly and started muttering to herself, until she was approached by a non descript fellow.

"Um, excuse me, but, you wouldn't have happened to have heard about a girl with bright yellow hair and a… slightly _off_disposition on your travels, have you? Our town just received a note from Konohagakure telling us that she's a danger, and needs to be confined at all costs…"

Naruto eyed the non-descript fellow with disinterest, pulling her cloak even further over her face. "No. Why the fuck would I have? I mean, god, the hell is fucking wrong with you dip-shits? …But, you know, I'm really truly sorry about not being able to say, I'll keep an eye ou—Wait, what am I saying? No I won't keep a fucking eye out for some random lady, I've got a shit-load of things to do! I simply must find Sasuke-pon and give him a biiiig hug and then _rip his fucking head off_! Oh, but that's terribly mean of me, so I really ought not to, but who the fuck cares 'bout Sasuke and his lil' head…? Oh, I do, I do… Ha, no I don't, just kidding." By the time Naruto was finished with her reply, she was panting, and unable to see out of her hood, and as a result was also flailing weakly as if it would bring back vision. However, this flailing resulted in Naruto's hood flopping off, revealing long, bright yellow hair. The non descript fellow watched her furtively for a while, as if trying to put two and two together, then shrugged and turned away, waving as he went.

"… Oh, well, that's okay then. If you do happen to see anyone acting a little oddly, tell the authorities!"

"Uh… yeah. Will do!" Naruto called back, grinning and waving. Having utterly forgotten about her ramen, she stood up and flounced off, picking up and throwing rocks at the occasional passer by who dared give her the wrong look. Alternatively, she'd stop and attempt to seduce people. Either one worked. This pattern continued for a while, until she came to a blatantly cheap inn. "Cheap is good." She stated, and then skipped in, not bothering to ask the clerk for a room. Instead, she slipped straight into a random room, ignoring the sleeping couple in the bed.

It was time to think. "But first, mini-bar!"

Then, a nap later, it really was time to think. And also time to draw on maps. "Okay. So if the info I have is correct… Uh…" Naruto began to draw a series of comics in the blank space above his map, before returning to the task at hand. "The fugitives said Orochimaru died here…" He then proceeded to draw a slightly horrific mess which was supposed to be Sasuke killing is teacher, "So Sasuke's probably in _this_area, given that he can't travel too quickly… He's probably not in the ocean, either." He then drew a large circle, encompassing about 85 percent of the world land-mass. "Great! I love narrow search areas!"

And so, with a merry chortle, he grabbed the last packet of Ninjah-Steekz and ran out of the room, leaving the poor, unsuspecting couple sitting bolt upright in bed, utterly horrified.

* * *

In Sunagakure, someone did not have a mini-bar to enjoy, he did not have a packet of Ninjah-Steekz, but he did have larger hips than his sister. Not so great when you're meant to be the youngest _brother_. 

"Gaara, look, calm down…"

"I am calm, Kankurou!"

"No, Gaara, your eyes are wide, and—"

"Shut up! That's an order from the Kazekage!"

Kankurou rolled his eyes and stared at the floor whilst his little brother tapped his official brush-pen on his office table, flicking ink everywhere with each tap. "Look, Gaara, you've read the message from Konoha, you know what's happened, and you know how dangerous the Akatsuki could be right now, so, don't you think---"

Now, Kankurou had always assumed that Naruto had managed to fix Gaara's slightly psychotic side, and that the absence of the Shukaku would have cemented his sanity even further, but, it would appear he was wrong, as faster than his eyes could follow, Gaara's hand was wrapped around his throat. "I thought I ordered you to shut u—"

Thankfully for Kankurou, Temari had been standing outside for some while, unsure how to approach her brothers, and so, hearing Kankurou's startled squeak, she had burst into the room and thrown the nearest china cup at Gaara's head. However, she had thrown it a little harder than she had thought, and not only did it loosen Gaara's grip, it sent her youngest brother crashing to the floor, unconscious.

"Shit. I've killed Gaara."

"Nnnooope." Kankurou poked him with his foot earning a loud groan from the Kazekage. "He's alive. Totally bat-shit crazy, but very much alive."

There was an awkward silence, which Temari broke. "Great, so, what do we do?"

"I dunno. Lock Gaara up somewhere? It's not like he can roam the countryside gallabanding after S-ranked criminals. He has a village to run. We, however, can go have some fun I guess…"

"And leave our, as you so eloquently put it, bat-shit crazy brother alone? He'll rip someone's head off at this rate…"

Kankurou nodded slowly, partially disappointed. "Yeah, I guess we'll jut have to stay here…"

Unfortunately for him, Gaara was not quite as unconscious as they had first supposed, and so, with haste, got up as quickly as possible, dodging his siblings frantic lunges and leaped out the window, blurring off into the distance, shouting back something that vaguely resembled 'You'll never get me now, fuck-tards!'.

"Great. So said bat-shit crazy brother has _run away_. What do you suggest now, Miss Mighty?"

"We go after him, dumbass!"

* * *

Karin was lost. Not the normal kind of "I-can-work-my-way-out-of-this" kind of lost, no. This was the proper "Where-the-fuck-am-I?" kind of lost. 

Having been walking to and fro frantically for what had to have been several hours, she was not only exhausted, she was in panic-mode, as well._Homygod what if Sasuke and the others find me? They'll be so pissed… Actually, they probably don't care about me. I'm all alone. In a forest. A dark forest. I'm going to die. I'm somewhere ridiculously far away from any of Orochimaru's hideouts… What if I get raped? What if I get raped and then killed?! What if I get savaged by wild animals?! What if I need to go to the bathroom!? AaaaaaAAAAaaaAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa…_

And so, Karin continued to make silly strangled noises in her head, which soon transferred to being proper verbal strangled noises. Thankfully for her, there was another lost girl in the area. Just, she was a little less frantic.

"Ummm… Are you okay?"

Karin screeched, and then whipped around to face the other girl, clutching her heart as though suspecting an imminent cardiac arrest.

"No, I'm not alright."

"…Oh. Okay, I'm sorry, uh… do you know where we are?"

"Look, if I knew where we were, would I be wailing and jumping at meek shit-faces like you?"

"… I-I-I guess not."

There was a silence.

"I'm Karin. You?"

"H-Hinata… Hyuuga Hinata."

Karin's eyes narrowed suspiciously, as though trying to place the name, however, nothing came to mind. "Cool. Well, seeing as we're both girls, and we're both lost, we have a bit in common, so I guess we can be friends, right?" Hinata was about to agree verbally, when Karin interrupted her. "Ah, wait, you _are_naturally female, right? You didn't just… change one morning, did you?"

Now it was Hinata's turn to be suspicious. "N-no… I really am I a girl, but, if you don't mind me asking… Why the question?"

Hinata's suspicion made Karin even more suspicious. Suspicion was reaching paramount levels by the time she replied. "Weird shit has been happening. A guy I know… He's… Uh… become a girl, and this guy I thought was dead actually isn't, and… and, yeah." _There, that was vague enough_.

"Um, well, I guess similar stuff happened to me… If you don't mind me asking, what was the guy's name?"

Karin's eye met Hinata's leaf symbol. _… She'd know Sasuke. Fuck_. Karin started stuttering and attempting to formulate a vaguely coherent response, when, weakly, all she could manage was to yell 'DUCK!', and to tackle Hinata to the ground.

A brief amount of confusion followed, nothing happened for a while, when Hinata stood up slowly and brushed herself off. "I… don't see anything…"

Karin stared at the ground. "I thought I saw a duck behind you. And I'm scared of ducks. So… Uh… I thought you might be, too, seeing as we have so much in common… and… uh…"

"You're so thoughtful, Karin-san!"

"Uhuh. Yeah. I am."

All suspicion was instantly forgotten on Hinata's part, as the two care freely made idle chatter whilst walking in some random direction, formulating a deep and trusting friendship which was—

Okay, that's going a bit too far…

* * *

Orochimaru mentally paced up and down inside Sasuke's mind, pondering life in general, occasionally stopping to wince at just how terrible her apparent situation was. Trapped in the mind and body of a twat, turned into a woman by some other twat, with only the first mentioned twat to speak to. _Why does life have to be so full of twats? At least I'm not a twat, and am capable of deep comprehension of a vast number of subjects... Jiraiya was a twat, Tsunade was a twat with big breasts, Sarutobi-sensei was a twat, the Akatsuki were twats, Kabuto was a twat... God I'm vindictive... At least I'm not a twat.  
_

She mentally stared off into Sasuke's mind-space, which currently was just a black abyss of inner-turmoil and rage. The only time it was something different was when Sasuke was dreaming of having Itachi's bloody head in his body. Then, it was a vast land of green fields and joy, and sometimes marshmallows. Orochimaru preferred the black abyss to no end, however dull and generally lifeless it was. However, there was always a little door not too far off, where there was a room where one could watch Sasuke's memories. The mind had... an interesting structure, Orochimaru had long since decided.

_Maybe all minds have different structures, like, my mind might have a pit which you need to jump in to see my memories... Interesting... _She paused _Wow, I_ _really,_really_need to get out of here._ She mused inwardly, careful not to mutter out loud in case Sasuke heard and decided to take mental action. "But… how?"

And, as if on instant cue, Sasuke's booming and all encompassing voice shot through her own mind, startling Orochimaru slightly. **What do you want now? And what do you mean 'but, how?'? **So much for being careful not to say anything out loud.

"…Nothing. Just… Thinking of the best way to help you kill Itachi… and to help you enhance your sharingan… and… to help you in general!"

**Fine. Try not to be too annoying.**** I vastly prefer walking in silence to hearing your voice.**

"But of course." And once again, it was silent. _Not to be too annoying, hm? Says the lord of annoying twats. If he was conscious in_my_ mind, I'd probably just kill myself. Or change bodies immediately. Ha. He's such a damn twat, not being more suspicious... _

Realization hit in a sudden wave of happiness and hope, filling the normally apathetic and grumpy man with boundless joy. _That's it! I'll _annoy_him into submission! He'll have to let me out then! He won't kill himself because he'll still want to kill Itachi… So he'll have no choice!_

"Oh, Sasukeeeeeeeeee..."

The poor body had_no_idea what he was in for. But he was about to find out.

* * *

"Run, Itachi, run for your life!" 

The Oro-Infovestigation squad hurtled down a main street, eyes wide, fear plastered all over their horrified faces. They were being chased by men yelling unsightly things at them. Never had any of them been assigned such a starkly difficult mission, and none of them liked it one bit. Perhaps it would have been alright if they could access and use their chakra, but they couldn't, they couldn't even ninja tree jump, and it was not fun in the slightest. Of course, Tobi was fine, but he was following them on the rooftops, laughing at their plight.

"Deidara, take off your shoe and throw it at them!"

"What? No way, Kisame, I'm a girl, girls have soft feet, I don't want to step on something pointy! Besides, can't we just offer Itachi-san as a sacrifice?!"

Itachi's panic stricken visage paled even further. "I object! After all, Deidara, they're after you, you're the blonde!"

"You're a bitch, Itachi-san!"

Before his two companions started hitting each other, Kisame intervened. "No, Tobi's the bitch!"

"You're right, Kisame!"

"Let's hit his face next time we see him!" Deidara decreed.

"But he wears a mask… won't that hurt to punch?" Itachi interjected, faltering slightly as she stumbled over a rock. As she did this, she took the time to glance behind, to find the group of horny men catching, and quickly, too.

"Ugh, fine, Itachi, what—"

"Faster, hurry!" Itachi placed his hands on Deidara and Kisame's back, and propelled them forward with the desperation of his running. However, this did not work out quite as planned, as exhaustion caught a hold of all three of them, and they began to slow quite noticeably. "Deidara, you have to throw a shoe!"

"Throw your own shoe, Itachi! Or you Kisame!"

"Hey, you're just dragging me into this because I'm the ugly sidekick! It's not fair, this always happens!" The three of them instantaneously stopped, breathing heavily. There they stood in the middle of the road, arguing and gesturing. Soon enough, the horde of men had surrounded them, and were all listening intently to the supposed top of the ninja world.

"You're making assumptions, Kisame!" Itachi snapped, "Your being butt-ugly had nothing to do with this!"

"Did you just call me butt-ugly?! What is _wrong_ with you? You used to be so silent and accepting, but now you're calling me butt-ugly?"

"Well it's true!" Deidara and Itachi both yelled at the same time. "And you're fat…" Deidara added on.

"I can't believe you two! Always so high and mighty about your 'beauty', how _dare_ you slag me off about this! Even when we were male, you two were always so damn vain!"

A horrified silence encompassed the raging perverts--- men, a few of them muttering 'when we were male..?' to themselves. Slowly, what they thought was the truth dawned on them, and after a little more muttering and realizing, the more expressive of the group screamed, and thus they all ran away.

Itachi, Kisame and Deidara stopped their arguing for a moment, comprehending what had just happened, and that seemingly, they had no reason to fear getting raped anymore. The three of them stood there for some while, eyes glazed over with triumph, their differences entirely forgotten about, when Tobi hopped down from the nearest building, clapping.

"Good show, guys! That was awesome! That was a seriously good idea, pretending to argue so that you could get it across that you used to be men!"

Kisame blushed, slightly embarrassed. "You mean… you guys were pretending?"

… _No_. was the thought that Itachi and Deidara had at precisely the same time. "We… uh… Yeah. Sure."

"Yes._Pretending._" Nervous laughter ensued.

"Aw, you guys. I'm sorry for what I said about you being vain…"

Tobi sighed. "This is all very well, but… did you find anything out about Sasuke's whereabouts? Or the location of _any_of Orochimaru's bases?"

There was a pause, as the three of them suddenly remembered precisely _why_ they'd gone into that brothel, dressed in provocative suits.

"Oh… we… forgot to ask, I guess." Deidara muttered.

"You_forgot_ to ask."

"It's kinda hard to information gather when you're being assaulted." Kisame replied, slightly startled by Tobi's sudden authoritative tone. "… Did _you_ find anything, Tobi?"

"I… forgot, too." Another pause ensued. "What? I was hungry…"

Itachi sighed. "We really don't have much money… You ought to refrain from buying too much food."

"Says the lady who spent a small fortune on 'civilian' clothes and products. Please. _No_ civilian has 11 face creams on hand at all times." Tobi retorted, folding his arms.

Itachi did the same, only sticking out a hip to emphasize the annoyance. "It keeps me _young_ and _attractive_."

Deidara snorted. "And you still have old man lines…"

"They're not old man lines! They're facial characteristics!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever, by the time you're 30, those'll be aaaall the way to your ears!"

More argument ensued, only this time, it was for real, and _everyone_ knew it. Human shields were used, punches were thrown, and Naruto was safer than ever.

* * *

**That's all for now, folks! Most of next chapter'll be spent on the Konoha lot, and their attempts to find and subdue Naruto.**

**Remember, I love you all.**

**Kyuubi won't eat you if you review, though!**


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